Well, it’s that time of year again. What was once my favourite time of year but now is ever so slightly bittersweet. With the season though, comes all those classic Christmas films that it just wouldn’t be Christmas without, one of which being ‘Love, Actually’. A truly uplifting and feel good film but there are a few poignant, heart-wrenching scenes that come to mind. Most poignant perhaps is the scene where Emma Thompson’s character breaks down listening to Joni Mitchell’s ‘Both Sides Now’ after realising the gold necklace her husband bought wasn’t actually for her. We all cried with her there, right?!
Well fast forward a few days from re-watching this classic, I was meditating, something I do a lot these days, and this song kept coming into my head. I would entertain it for a moment then refocus but it just kept coming back. So when I was done, I typed it in on YouTube and had a listen (or 20). Let me tell you, this song is the whole package. Not only is it sang beautifully and composed beautifully but the lyrics …. wow!
“Tears and fears and feeling proud” – this line in particular perfectly summed up how I was feeling that evening. My purpose for meditating has been to rid myself of all distractions and really connect and be a space of love for all the emotions I was distracting myself from. Sadness, anger, guilt, shame … you name it I’ve felt it and I’ve repressed it. So inevitably there have been tears, and lots of them, and boy has it felt good to let them all out.
Fears – I have lots of them, too. This year for the most part, and even before then, I have let my fears and anxiety rule my life to the point you couldn’t even call it a life. Again, meditation is amazing in helping this, which leads us to feeling proud. Yesterday I felt so proud of myself and the progress I’ve made. I had to post a parcel, pretty standard thing for most people, go in, state what delivery you require, pay and pass it over right? Or for some it goes something like this … “What do I say when I get to the counter?”, “Is it packaged right?”, “Do I look stupid in what I’m wearing?”, “Don’t say anything stupid!”, “Why am I sweating so much?”, “Oh god I dropped my money” and it doesn’t stop there. I could have encounters at a checkout in a supermarket that I’d go home and still be thinking about days later wondering if they were laughing at me or if I said the right thing or did the right thing.
Not yesterday though, I walked in fully confident. I took out the parcel, placed it on the scales and asked for second class. She asked a few security and value questions, my mind was clear enough to process what she’d asked and answer clearly and concisely (definitely not always the case). I wasn’t sweating or overthinking and when I was done I just walked out and on to the next thing. And the only thing I’ve thought since about the whole thing is who was that person that did all that? I hope she’s here to stay!
Well if you’ve made it thus far, or are reading at all, thank you very much and I hope you visit again.
“Well something’s lost, but something’s gained
In living every day.” Joni Mitchell
Alice in Welshland 