As I’m lying in bed letting thoughts of the last few days whirl around in my mind, I can’t help but notice how much those thoughts have changed. Even now after quite a lapse in any form of mindfulness practice.
Though my thoughts are on the fragility of life and those who have succumbed (and how the number rises somewhat frightfully), I am not overcome with sadness. I feel sad to think about it, however I am detached from it, it isn’t all-consuming. My thoughts are not only on those people who are no longer with us, but on those who have moved away, those with whom a connection has been lost, and the family units and various communities that are no longer whole. In fact, I likened myself to the leaning tower of Pisa, the foundation upon which I stand has faltered considerably. But, like the tower, hear I stand … well lie really but you catch my drift!
Alas, in the midst of all this thought something in my brain keeps reminding me of all the positive changes I’ve been noticing. For example, how when I’ve done something embarrassing (or a situation has made me embarrassed in some way) I used to let it play over and over in my mind. My brain would choose to remind myself of it just as I’m drifting off to sleep and my cheeks would turn crimson as I found myself reliving every awful moment! Yet, there have been quite a few events recently that would have had that same effect on me which I have simply walked away and forgotten about. A welcome change. (Like the other day when I lost my S-I-L at the cinema and after walking into the wrong screen on the wrong floor mid film had to go ask the ticket lady where she’d gone)
I’m getting out of bed easier in the mornings, I’m wanting to venture out more and seize more of life than I have previously wanted to. I’m working in a field that is totally new and different to me and I don’t hate it, I’m enjoying the challenge of doing something new and getting to know new people. I can’t help thinking that for that alone, my struggles over recent years have not been in vain because I can’t see how I could have ever got here of my own accord.
And finally … sorry if I’m a little scattered, it’s been a while! But, finally I’m thinking that despite its ups and downs, this year will have been very well spent because I can say with absolute certainty that I will leave it as a totally different person. Instead of going through the motions year after year and feeling like nothing is or could be any different. So I’ll leave it there before I witter on any more without a though of where it’s going! Sweet dreams.
Alice in Welshland 