One aspect of Autism/ ADHD is a fear of being perceived. This is a bit of a two-edged sword for me. In most circumstances, I HATE being perceived. Yet, at other times when I’m alone and there isn’t anyone watching me, I imagine that certain people are. I could be driving along and just imagining that someone I knew 10 years ago could somehow see me and wonder what they’d be thinking about me. Weird I know, makes no sense.
One of the biggest challenges for me that I can remember happening throughout school is people watching me do schoolwork. If the teacher’s attention is elsewhere, I can just go for it and there’s nothing stopping me from completing whatever task is in front of me. That’s not always the case in the classroom though, is it? The teachers like to wander and check up on people as they’re getting on with whatever task. This is when I would feel so self-conscious and simply stopped. Every time. I could be mid-flow but the second I could feel their presence over my shoulder all thoughts and knowledge seemed to allude me in an instant.
It wasn’t just the schoolwork that proved to be problematic in this respect, it happened for homework too. Particularly anything that required access to the computer. Up until my late teens this meant using the family computer. The family computer, however, was my Dad’s pride and joy. Outside of work, sleep, eating and something good on the telly, he was always on the computer. So, when I had to go on it and cut into that time for him, he wouldn’t venture far or for long and eventually without fail he would be stood behind me with his hand on the chair eager to get back. It would enrage me. A teacher I couldn’t say anything to but Dad I would, but that would always be met with “you wouldn’t say that to your teacher, would you?”
Another thing probably not many people know about me is I love to sing. The reason I say nobody will know this is because I can’t let anyone listen. I will only ever sing, properly sing, in an empty house. Even then I am on edge about people coming and going so meticulously plan when I can do it. I also had piano lessons for 4 years and struggle to perform in front of anybody and usually only play now when no-one is in the house.
The long and short of it is, if someone is watching me do something I will not be able to do it. Not properly, not to the best of my ability and certainly not the same way I would do things when nobody was watching. If it’s something that requires me to use my hands and fine motor skills, I am all fingers and thumbs! It’s a disaster. I think that’s probably why I want people to be watching when I’m alone, they’ll get to see the REAL me?
Alice in Welshland 