Guilt

My life is changing shape. I am being kinder to myself than ever before and giving myself the flexibility and freedom to choose what works best for me. In doing so, I am going to a different church that is closer to walk to and has later Mass times. I am not pressuring myself into making any changes that anyone else is asking of me but waiting until I am confident it is for my own best interest. I am pouring so much energy into fixing me that there is less than ever to give out to those around me. What do all these things have in common? Guilt.

I feel very guilty, if I allow myself to. And I say “allow” because guilt is something we feel whenever we do something that our society or close network of family and friends would deem unusual and not proper practice. Obviously, if laws were broken you should definitely feel guilty but not doing something that someone expects you to do is not a crime by any means. You’re not hurting the person, you are just falling short of their expectations and probably bruising their ego a little. But, when I really stop and think about it, I do feel a sense of guilt for the people and places I have left behind, somewhat, in the last few months. People who have always been a part of my life in small ways or big. I’m confident that one day I will serve those people how I feel is necessary.

One thing anxiety steals away from you is true connection. Whenever you stop and think, “I wonder how they are, what they’re up to?”, you can’t simply call up and ask or call round to their house without your mind convincing your body that danger is inevitable. I mean, I’ve never known anyone to become violent because someone came round with a box of chocolates to see how they were, have you?!

This all rang true when I discovered a member of my old parish community had passed away. My first instinct was to send a card, but then I realised that it had been almost a month since they died and I hadn’t known. Guilt! I thought of his presence in that community, the kind words he always had. How loving and supportive his daughters always are towards me and my siblings and the kind words they always have for my mother since her own passing. I thought of how out of touch I am with all those people who helped shape and guide who I am as a person and how little I’m giving back right now, or have ever given back.

And in writing this, I realise how much I’m thinking about me, my actions and their consequences and less of those around me and maybe therein lies the problem?

Fake it or Face it?

At some point in the last couple of years I became aware of the Law of Attraction. Which, for those who aren’t familiar, basically states that what you think, you attract. One quote that came up a lot at that time in my life was “Fake it until you make it”. Essentially, if you believe you already have whatever it is you desire then the universe will meet that energy and provide it for you.

As I have continued to delve deeper I have transitioned away from Law of Attraction into more of a mindset focused standpoint. By looking inwardly at your thought patterns and emotional responses, you can begin to address any negative patterns and responses that may be holding you back and “rewire” your brain to avoid them from re-occurring. In this school of thought there is a counter-quote to “Fake it until you make it” which discourages faking it and encourages you to instead “Face it until you make it”, which I feel is a better representation of how to achieve your goals.

To achieve your goals in life you are required to grow, and in order to grow you need to go through hard and uncomfortable situations. If you face those situations head on, consistently, you will grow and grow until you are capable enough to make those goals your reality. Then, you will set new goals, face new challenges and grow even more. Thus, the ultimate goal any of us should have in life is continuous growth.

Unfortunately for me (or maybe not so unfortunately), there is a lot that has needed to be faced. Slowly but surely I’m striving to face it all to get to where I want to go. My focus so far has been internal, my mind, my health, my emotions so that I am mentally, physically and emotionally ready to face the bigger obstacles, to allow myself to be vulnerable in order to grow but also to not lose myself in the process.

You are enough!

Something you see or hear over and over again when undergoing any form of self-transformation is that at the core of everything is a belief that we are not enough. This is what holds us back.

I get that. I REALLY get that. But I’m now only beginning to understand what that means for me, specifically. How I’ve come to believe that I am not enough.

Above all else, I think of the little girl who was told to “wait over there” while everyone huddled together whispering between themselves. Either it was about me, or yes, I wasn’t worthy of hearing it. Wasn’t cool enough, wasn’t popular enough, wasn’t fun enough. I can’t say which was true, but whichever way you look at it, it was pretty shit. I think of the middle child who was either not old enough or not young enough. I think of the person who everyone was happy to be around in private but who was often pushed aside for appearances sake in public.

No wonder I’m constantly trying to prove myself to the world and trying to please everyone, anything to not feel that way again. I know now, or at least I am constantly re-affirming, that I am enough. I can see how this was not a reflection on who I was, who I am and who I will be in the future but on the people who encounter me. I can now see each of those situations from a new perspective, I’m no longer the confused child trying to fit in, but a spectator offering gentle reassurance from afar.

I’m not writing this for anyone to feel bad for me but as a way for me to process these thoughts and to hopefully help someone else whose reading this. You are enough, no matter what anybody else says or thinks, or how badly they may treat you. You are worthy. You are enough.

“You are enough. You have nothing to prove to anyone.” – Maya Angelou

Face it & Embrace it

Pain is a hard pill to swallow. So hard, in fact, that many of us will go to great lengths to avoid doing so. It’s such an unconscious decision that many of us don’t even realise we are doing it. What happens when we do this though is we create suffering and it’s actually suffering that we fear and don’t want in our lives.

Instead of actually facing the pain of an event or experience in our lives, we tend to ignore it and indulge in anything that makes us feel better. Except, they don’t actually make the problem go away and so we keep needing them in order to function and thus form dependencies. For me, food and Netflix were perhaps my biggest indulgences. The number of doughnuts I could eat in one sitting was frightening and I’ve lost count of the amount of times I have watched Full House in its entirety. It brought so much comfort to me that I even needed it on to fall asleep. I didn’t even realise how addicted I was to these things because it was so common to hear the terms binge-eating and binge-watching that I never saw it as a problem.

Admittedly, my current addiction is probably YouTube videos but at least the content there is a little broader. During my many hours on YouTube, I came across Kyle Cease and it was his videos that really highlighted this for me and actually allowed me to embrace the pain. His method is simple, just sit. Turn off all distractions, set a timer for one hour, sit upright (so you don’t fall asleep) with your eyes closed and do nothing. I know for some people just the thought of doing nothing for that length of time is unthinkable. It takes practice and discipline to do but the results are worth it. When you’re able to just sit and be with whatever feelings arise in that time, you realise that actually they are not so scary. It can be uncomfortable at times but at the end of it you feel a little lighter and you find yourself far less dependent on distractions.

Once you’ve overcome your resistance to pain, you can then learn to embrace it. That’s when the true beauty and power of pain presents itself. When you embrace the pain wholeheartedly, you can discover what it is trying to teach you. There is always a lesson and a chance to grow whenever you experience pain, that is its purpose. Once you have found the lesson you can simply let it go. I say simply, if you are anything like me letting things go is never simple. BUT, once you have faced the pain and embraced what it came to teach you then you CAN let it go and when you are able to let it go, you will no longer suffer because of it.

“The only reason we stress is something is happening that we decided should not be happening. It is not the circumstance that is the problem. It is our resistance to it.” –Kyle Cease

Think in colour, not just Black & White!

Since I’ve been on this journey of self-discovery and enlightenment, I have been introduced to a variety of colour. By that I mean, that there is far more to life than just black and white. This has however highlighted how “black and white” our thinking is as a society and how we have, over time, been trained to believe what we are told without question. We are told that the key to success in life is to do well in school, get a good degree, get married and have children and have them do the same. Mindlessly, we find ourselves going through the motions but never actually finding success or happiness, despite maybe achieving all of the above. We are told that happiness exists in the form of the latest model of car, the bigger house, the higher pay check so that we continue to consume these things and work tirelessly for someone else. We are told that alcohol will drown our sorrows and that chocolate will ease the pain, when really they just make us fat and dependent.

So, when do we take initiative? When do we begin to take our lives and our happiness back into our own hands? When we’re 80 and it sinks in how limited our time is and how you never did write that novel, paint that sunset or perform in the West End? Or do you take that leap now?

The truth is we live in an ever changing world. In the past, I believe that life was more black and white (Not literally, that was just in picture) and that that blue print, as Tony Robbins would call it, of how life should be was much more apt. With the technology we have today, however, we are finding that there is more to it than just working 9-5 for someone else for a salary that they deem acceptable for 40 years until you retire. That may be exactly what you want for life and that is perfectly OK. If, on the other hand, you are more creative or feel that you have more to offer the world there are ways in which you can do that, whilst making money from it and living your best life.

You can write books and publish them yourself online, you can write blogs about anything that interests you, you can create videos in the same way. You can film yourself at home, raising your kids and get paid for it. You can travel the world and get paid to write about it, film it and photograph it. You can sell your crafts on Etsy and just about anything on eBay. In a world where so many people are so consumed and driven by their work, you can get paid to do anything that they don’t have the time to do – Clean, be their nanny, launder their clothes, drive them around, bring them food from their favourite restaurants, wait in line for all the latest releases. The list is endless. It doesn’t have to be your main job, you can do the office 9-5 and build up one of these on the side and double your income.

The only thing that limits our potential is our beliefs. Changing your thoughts can literally change your life.

“Whether you think you can, or think you can’t. You’re right” Henry Ford

Small, positive changes

To change your life, either for better or worse, is a gradual undertaking. It doesn’t go to pot all at once and it doesn’t fix itself all at once. It is more about making small positive (or negative) changes that over time accumulate and grow and make an impact. So that’s what I’ve been focusing on, making small, positive changes.

After the madness of Christmas had died down, I refocused my mind on the changes I wanted to implement and set about ways in which I would do so. Like I said in my last post I wanted to “get out of my head and out of my bed” . I started with the latter, my safe haven. I got up every morning and set myself up downstairs and that is where I stayed until bedtime, besides going out of course. From there, I noticed more of what needed to be done around the house and got on top of that.

Then I looked at my eating. Instead of overloading on cheese and carbs for every meal, I started by cleaning up my lunch. A simple Chicken Salad with carrot sticks and hummus on the side. I have had that pretty much every day for the last 3 weeks give or take 1 or 2 meals, what can I say, I’m a creature of habit. That one step, however, then led to me cleaning up what I was eating for tea (dinner). THEN, I stumbled upon intermittent fasting and the benefits of leaving larger gaps between meals in order to combat insulin resistance and aid fat burning. Since I was not much of a breakfast person anyway I switched to a 16/8 routine with the first meal at the start of the 8 hours, around midday, and the second meal at the end with about 5 hours no snacking in between.  

This alongside walking every day has meant I have lost 5 pounds so far this month (I lost quite a bit of weight in the lead up to Christmas due to a diet change so this is good, steady progress). As a result, I am starting to regain confidence, I am starting to see the body I used to know and love (somewhat) and it reminded me of who I was then and still am now. I’m also finding I have so much more energy, I can literally feel the difference in my body and how it responds.

I’ve also managed to overcome my anxiety yet again and have started going back to Church. Another small step but it has given me such a boost and has reminded me God is on my side. Within two days of praying within the Church for guidance my eyes were opened even further to the negative patterns that were in play in my life that needed addressing. Albeit a coincidence for those who aren’t religious, though the videos I stumbled upon were very Christianity orientated to add to the coincidence.

I also walked into and around my local town without fear of who I might see and the horror on their faces when they enquire “What are you up to these days?” and I give them the honest answer. I actually bumped into someone I knew who asked that very question and it wasn’t hard or scary to answer – what was I so afraid of?

Therefore, what starts as a small change, can actually begin to snowball into a much bigger change. Just like planting a seed in good soil can take root and grow into something far greater. So, what small positive changes could you implement in your life to change it for the better?

“While it may seem small, the ripple effects of small things is extraordinary” Matt Bevin

I’ll start again on Monday …

You know when people start new diets or implement a new regime into their lives, they always seem to start on a Monday. Not only that, but if they slip up in the week they tell themselves that they’ll just start afresh on Monday, and give themselves a free pass for the rest of the week. Subconsciously I gave myself this free pass … FOR THE YEAR. About half-way through the year everything went to pot and somewhere in all of that chaos I must’ve said to myself ‘I’ll start again next year’ because it’s now Dec 29th and I’m still not out of that rut. I still don’t know what went wrong, what I want from life, where I want to go and what I want to bring to the world.

So January 1st is going to be my hypothetical Monday. My free pass will be over, no more moping and feeling sorry for myself. I’m going to get out of my head, out of my bed and make a change for the better. Most importantly, I’m going to use all the lessons this year has taught me, all the tools I’ve learnt from watching YouTube videos when I was too anxious to actually go out and live. 2019 is a completely blank canvas, maybe there is a plan for me but I can’t see it yet.

Yes, it’s going to be hard and it’s scary to not know but honestly, it has got to be better than where I am right now. Whatever pain I thought I was protecting myself from I have created more of in this stagnant existence. I’m ready to embrace new places, adventures and people even if there’s a twinge of sadness for those who no longer walk beside me. I’m ready to discover what I was made to be and do and not what society feels is a respectable and successful career because what is success anyway? Is it not being happy and fulfilled, how many high powered lawyers or Wall Street bankers can honestly say they are so?

So I don’t know where I’ll be or what my life will look like on Dec 29th, 2019 but as long as it’s not this, it will have been a very successful year.

“The New Year stands before us, like a chapter in a book, waiting to be written.” Melody Beattie

Finding the next piece

The more I delve into life and try and figure it out, the more I realise how little we all know and are able to comprehend. Millions of years have passed before us and millions of years will pass after us, we are but a speck in time. Earth and our solar system alone are so vast let alone the infinity of space, we are but a speck in space. Maybe we’re here by chance, maybe we’re here for a purpose, who can really know for sure.

Personally, I like to believe we’re here for a purpose, that our lives have meaning and that our tiny imprint on this earth and in the vastly infinite space around us is valued and important and without which the fabric of space and time would be faltered. I like to believe that our lives are predestined, and are predestined for greatness. Whether we reach that greatness or not rests in our ability to find the next piece in our puzzle, and then the piece after that. Until all the pieces have been found and connected and we can move on from this human existence to whatever comes next knowing that we fulfilled our destiny.

Unfortunately, many people’s puzzles are never completed. Some pieces may come easily but others come as a result of painful experiences and for some that pain is too hard to bare and they never move past it. So now, I see life as a challenge. No matter how bad a situation, no matter how dark and lonely it gets, I know that with that comes wisdom, knowledge and an understanding that I didn’t have before.

Personally, I love solving puzzles, I love applying logic to any situation to find the best solution. So this is a great analogy for me, and maybe for one of you too. Go out, live life, find those pieces and make sure that when your time comes you can see the whole, beautiful picture that was your life.

“Your work is to discover your world and then with all your heart give yourself to it” Buddha

“Tears and fears and feeling proud”

Well, it’s that time of year again. What was once my favourite time of year but now is ever so slightly bittersweet. With the season though, comes all those classic Christmas films that it just wouldn’t be Christmas without, one of which being ‘Love, Actually’. A truly uplifting and feel good film but there are a few poignant, heart-wrenching scenes that come to mind. Most poignant perhaps is the scene where Emma Thompson’s character breaks down listening to Joni Mitchell’s ‘Both Sides Now’ after realising the gold necklace her husband bought wasn’t actually for her. We all cried with her there, right?!

Well fast forward a few days from re-watching this classic, I was meditating, something I do a lot these days, and this song kept coming into my head. I would entertain it for a moment then refocus but it just kept coming back. So when I was done, I typed it in on YouTube and had a listen (or 20). Let me tell you, this song is the whole package. Not only is it sang beautifully and composed beautifully but the lyrics …. wow!

“Tears and fears and feeling proud” – this line in particular perfectly summed up how I was feeling that evening. My purpose for meditating has been to rid myself of all distractions and really connect and be a space of love for all the emotions I was distracting myself from. Sadness, anger, guilt, shame … you name it I’ve felt it and I’ve repressed it. So inevitably there have been tears, and lots of them, and boy has it felt good to let them all out.

Fears – I have lots of them, too. This year for the most part, and even before then, I have let my fears and anxiety rule my life to the point you couldn’t even call it a life. Again, meditation is amazing in helping this, which leads us to feeling proud. Yesterday I felt so proud of myself and the progress I’ve made. I had to post a parcel, pretty standard thing for most people, go in, state what delivery you require, pay and pass it over right? Or for some it goes something like this … “What do I say when I get to the counter?”, “Is it packaged right?”, “Do I look stupid in what I’m wearing?”, “Don’t say anything stupid!”, “Why am I sweating so much?”, “Oh god I dropped my money” and it doesn’t stop there. I could have encounters at a checkout in a supermarket that I’d go home and still be thinking about days later wondering if they were laughing at me or if I said the right thing or did the right thing.

Not yesterday though, I walked in fully confident. I took out the parcel, placed it on the scales and asked for second class. She asked a few security and value questions, my mind was clear enough to process what she’d asked and answer clearly and concisely (definitely not always the case). I wasn’t sweating or overthinking and when I was done I just walked out and on to the next thing. And the only thing I’ve thought since about the whole thing is who was that person that did all that? I hope she’s here to stay!

Well if you’ve made it thus far, or are reading at all, thank you very much and I hope you visit again.

“Well something’s lost, but something’s gained 
In living every day.” Joni Mitchell