life – Alice in Welshland

Maybe this blog needs a new name?

I’ve been misleading you all since starting this blog again at the start of year. The blog is called ‘Alice in Welshland’ but I’m not in Wales anymore. I moved to Scotland nearly 2 years ago now so maybe it should just be ‘Alice in Scotland’ now but it doesn’t quite have the same ring to it.

I think moving up here was the catalyst for me uncovering that I might actually be autistic, the ADHD I have suspected for years now but the Autism was always “No, I mean yeah that sounds like me and I do that too, but no. I’m not Autistic.” Sound familiar to anyone? You see, moving 250 miles away from home is hard for anyone but it seemed harder than it should have been, I felt like I should have been settled much sooner than I was. To be honest, I still don’t know how settled I am. I love it here, it’s a great place to live but I haven’t really found my place here yet or found my people and quite honestly, I’m lonely.

The truth is, it’s absolutely no-ones fault but my own because I have met some of the kindest, most friendly and warm-hearted people I have ever met but thanks to these innate qualities I have, friendships have never stuck, quite frankly they haven’t even really began.

I suppose when I first moved up here I didn’t really know myself, to know where to fit in and with whom I wanted to spend my time besides my boyfriend (now fiancee) and as much as I love him and spending time with him it’s not healthy for either of us for me to not have friends and people to talk to up here besides him. Now, however, I think I know who I am a bit more and I know the sort of people I want to surround myself with. The only problem now is finding them.

Is there someone watching me?

One aspect of Autism/ ADHD is a fear of being perceived. This is a bit of a two-edged sword for me. In most circumstances, I HATE being perceived. Yet, at other times when I’m alone and there isn’t anyone watching me, I imagine that certain people are. I could be driving along and just imagining that someone I knew 10 years ago could somehow see me and wonder what they’d be thinking about me. Weird I know, makes no sense.

One of the biggest challenges for me that I can remember happening throughout school is people watching me do schoolwork. If the teacher’s attention is elsewhere, I can just go for it and there’s nothing stopping me from completing whatever task is in front of me. That’s not always the case in the classroom though, is it? The teachers like to wander and check up on people as they’re getting on with whatever task. This is when I would feel so self-conscious and simply stopped. Every time. I could be mid-flow but the second I could feel their presence over my shoulder all thoughts and knowledge seemed to allude me in an instant.

It wasn’t just the schoolwork that proved to be problematic in this respect, it happened for homework too. Particularly anything that required access to the computer. Up until my late teens this meant using the family computer. The family computer, however, was my Dad’s pride and joy. Outside of work, sleep, eating and something good on the telly, he was always on the computer. So, when I had to go on it and cut into that time for him, he wouldn’t venture far or for long and eventually without fail he would be stood behind me with his hand on the chair eager to get back. It would enrage me. A teacher I couldn’t say anything to but Dad I would, but that would always be met with “you wouldn’t say that to your teacher, would you?”

Another thing probably not many people know about me is I love to sing. The reason I say nobody will know this is because I can’t let anyone listen. I will only ever sing, properly sing, in an empty house. Even then I am on edge about people coming and going so meticulously plan when I can do it. I also had piano lessons for 4 years and struggle to perform in front of anybody and usually only play now when no-one is in the house.

The long and short of it is, if someone is watching me do something I will not be able to do it. Not properly, not to the best of my ability and certainly not the same way I would do things when nobody was watching. If it’s something that requires me to use my hands and fine motor skills, I am all fingers and thumbs! It’s a disaster. I think that’s probably why I want people to be watching when I’m alone, they’ll get to see the REAL me?

New Year, Neuro-divergent Me

A New Year, a new me. As cliché as it may sound, I am hoping this year brings some big changes to my life. I really can’t go on as I have any more and want to live the kind of life I want, need and deserve. I have known all my life that there was something different about me, I was the weird kid. I was the one people played with because they had to but wouldn’t otherwise bother with.

Primary school, in particular, was hellish. This is where I was still me but learning and testing the limits, working out all the unspoken social boundaries that everyone else already seemed to have a pretty good grasp of. I was bullied a lot, was singled out a lot, embarrassed myself far more than anyone else because of simple misunderstandings because my brain wasn’t processing the world around me the same way that most other people were.

By secondary school I was beginning to get a good grasp on things, but I was still always a little behind everyone else, it was like I was constantly lagging. I could never get right up to speed. But socially I muddled through and made a solid group of friends and had fun.

Academically, I had always excelled, there was no cause for concern in that department because I was intelligent and let’s face it a bit of a goody two shoes, so I was always working hard and on my game. The only time this wavered was later in my school career, particularly in Sixth Form where in preparation for university, everything is a little more relaxed and puts more onus on the student to lead the way and take control rather than the teacher. And then university …. Been there, done that, and dropped out …twice!

Somehow, up until this point I have muddled my way through adulthood not entirely unscathed. I have had various jobs that I have left or got behind in due to my differences in handling and dealing with things. I have defaulted on a credit card and have never had much in the way of savings. I was single most of my twenties. As mentioned above, I dropped out of university twice so have no qualifications to my name. So that’s a general overview of my story thus far but now I have realised through other people’s stories of their lived experiences with neurodivergence and many online tests and questionnaires that maybe I wasn’t weird, stupid, unlovable, lazy or useless after all, I was just and am still, neurodivergent.

Making life difficult for myself?

As I’m going about my day and finally actually doing the things I’ve been meaning to for days I can’t help but think how much easier it would have been to deal with things when they happened in life. Rather than take months and months to just even face them in the first place. Now, 8 months on and I’m finally getting round to doing the things everyone was urging me to do back then, and then some.

So why was it so hard to do then? Why was I so stubborn that I had to figure it out and reach that conclusion and clarity for myself?

Inevitably the mess has grown and there are now more aspects of my life that are challenged by this prolonged hiatus. Oh the joys.

Around July last year I should have been graduating, my second attempt at second year had been, on the whole, a success and the third started on a high but slowly everything began to unravel. I lost sight of where I was going, who I was doing it for, and more importantly, who I was. I knew that what had started as a small snowball in my hand had by this point encapsulated me and was barrelling along down the mountain, gathering more and more snow as it went. I knew if I reached out I could grab hold of something and stop the effect, that I could claw my way back and the snow would slowly thaw. But I was set to self-destruct, I knew where it was heading and I carried on regardless.

By the time the results were posted I knew they weren’t good, seeing them just confirmed what I’d seen coming for months. By this point I was at a loss, not with the situation but with myself. I knew this was far more than bad grades. Some of them were actually very good grades lost in a sea of let’s just say not so good grades! I knew that this was more than just going back and doing it over. That wouldn’t fix anything. Just like leaving my job to go back to university 2 years earlier didn’t fix it. This was something within me that I had to face. Grief.

Grief and mourning are such personal experiences as unique to each person as snow flakes. So when you are faced with it, you don’t know what to expect and you can lull yourself into a false sense of security thinking that well I’ve been sad, I’ve been angry, I’ve come to see that this is now my reality. That’s it! You’ve gone through those initial phases and you’re all better and ready to face the world again. I’m chuckling as I write this at just how ludicrous that sounds.

Finally though, I know I’m in a better place. I’ve sat with my grief and I’ve learnt how to know when to let it in and when to push through. I have sat with it long enough to heal what has been triggered thus far, and I know to sit with it when I’m triggered in the future. Because this is a journey I will be on for the rest of my life, no matter how long it takes and how messy it gets. And that’s okay.

Finding the next piece

The more I delve into life and try and figure it out, the more I realise how little we all know and are able to comprehend. Millions of years have passed before us and millions of years will pass after us, we are but a speck in time. Earth and our solar system alone are so vast let alone the infinity of space, we are but a speck in space. Maybe we’re here by chance, maybe we’re here for a purpose, who can really know for sure.

Personally, I like to believe we’re here for a purpose, that our lives have meaning and that our tiny imprint on this earth and in the vastly infinite space around us is valued and important and without which the fabric of space and time would be faltered. I like to believe that our lives are predestined, and are predestined for greatness. Whether we reach that greatness or not rests in our ability to find the next piece in our puzzle, and then the piece after that. Until all the pieces have been found and connected and we can move on from this human existence to whatever comes next knowing that we fulfilled our destiny.

Unfortunately, many people’s puzzles are never completed. Some pieces may come easily but others come as a result of painful experiences and for some that pain is too hard to bare and they never move past it. So now, I see life as a challenge. No matter how bad a situation, no matter how dark and lonely it gets, I know that with that comes wisdom, knowledge and an understanding that I didn’t have before.

Personally, I love solving puzzles, I love applying logic to any situation to find the best solution. So this is a great analogy for me, and maybe for one of you too. Go out, live life, find those pieces and make sure that when your time comes you can see the whole, beautiful picture that was your life.

“Your work is to discover your world and then with all your heart give yourself to it” Buddha