Tag: thoughts

Making life difficult for myself?

As I’m going about my day and finally actually doing the things I’ve been meaning to for days I can’t help but think how much easier it would have been to deal with things when they happened in life. Rather than take months and months to just even face them in the first place. Now, 8 months on and I’m finally getting round to doing the things everyone was urging me to do back then, and then some.

So why was it so hard to do then? Why was I so stubborn that I had to figure it out and reach that conclusion and clarity for myself?

Inevitably the mess has grown and there are now more aspects of my life that are challenged by this prolonged hiatus. Oh the joys.

Around July last year I should have been graduating, my second attempt at second year had been, on the whole, a success and the third started on a high but slowly everything began to unravel. I lost sight of where I was going, who I was doing it for, and more importantly, who I was. I knew that what had started as a small snowball in my hand had by this point encapsulated me and was barrelling along down the mountain, gathering more and more snow as it went. I knew if I reached out I could grab hold of something and stop the effect, that I could claw my way back and the snow would slowly thaw. But I was set to self-destruct, I knew where it was heading and I carried on regardless.

By the time the results were posted I knew they weren’t good, seeing them just confirmed what I’d seen coming for months. By this point I was at a loss, not with the situation but with myself. I knew this was far more than bad grades. Some of them were actually very good grades lost in a sea of let’s just say not so good grades! I knew that this was more than just going back and doing it over. That wouldn’t fix anything. Just like leaving my job to go back to university 2 years earlier didn’t fix it. This was something within me that I had to face. Grief.

Grief and mourning are such personal experiences as unique to each person as snow flakes. So when you are faced with it, you don’t know what to expect and you can lull yourself into a false sense of security thinking that well I’ve been sad, I’ve been angry, I’ve come to see that this is now my reality. That’s it! You’ve gone through those initial phases and you’re all better and ready to face the world again. I’m chuckling as I write this at just how ludicrous that sounds.

Finally though, I know I’m in a better place. I’ve sat with my grief and I’ve learnt how to know when to let it in and when to push through. I have sat with it long enough to heal what has been triggered thus far, and I know to sit with it when I’m triggered in the future. Because this is a journey I will be on for the rest of my life, no matter how long it takes and how messy it gets. And that’s okay.

Think in colour, not just Black & White!

Since I’ve been on this journey of self-discovery and enlightenment, I have been introduced to a variety of colour. By that I mean, that there is far more to life than just black and white. This has however highlighted how “black and white” our thinking is as a society and how we have, over time, been trained to believe what we are told without question. We are told that the key to success in life is to do well in school, get a good degree, get married and have children and have them do the same. Mindlessly, we find ourselves going through the motions but never actually finding success or happiness, despite maybe achieving all of the above. We are told that happiness exists in the form of the latest model of car, the bigger house, the higher pay check so that we continue to consume these things and work tirelessly for someone else. We are told that alcohol will drown our sorrows and that chocolate will ease the pain, when really they just make us fat and dependent.

So, when do we take initiative? When do we begin to take our lives and our happiness back into our own hands? When we’re 80 and it sinks in how limited our time is and how you never did write that novel, paint that sunset or perform in the West End? Or do you take that leap now?

The truth is we live in an ever changing world. In the past, I believe that life was more black and white (Not literally, that was just in picture) and that that blue print, as Tony Robbins would call it, of how life should be was much more apt. With the technology we have today, however, we are finding that there is more to it than just working 9-5 for someone else for a salary that they deem acceptable for 40 years until you retire. That may be exactly what you want for life and that is perfectly OK. If, on the other hand, you are more creative or feel that you have more to offer the world there are ways in which you can do that, whilst making money from it and living your best life.

You can write books and publish them yourself online, you can write blogs about anything that interests you, you can create videos in the same way. You can film yourself at home, raising your kids and get paid for it. You can travel the world and get paid to write about it, film it and photograph it. You can sell your crafts on Etsy and just about anything on eBay. In a world where so many people are so consumed and driven by their work, you can get paid to do anything that they don’t have the time to do – Clean, be their nanny, launder their clothes, drive them around, bring them food from their favourite restaurants, wait in line for all the latest releases. The list is endless. It doesn’t have to be your main job, you can do the office 9-5 and build up one of these on the side and double your income.

The only thing that limits our potential is our beliefs. Changing your thoughts can literally change your life.

“Whether you think you can, or think you can’t. You’re right” Henry Ford